Thursday, May 31, 2007

Prayers for rain

in this world...

wishing to be understood is like praying for rain

praying for rain in the middle of a desert...

Monday, May 28, 2007

I guess I am

Yesterday, Sofia fell of the bed while i was writing an email. Yes its my fault. I shouldve watched her more because i was beside her when it happened. but what hurts the most is that because of what happened, I was branded a bad mother. Its sad really.. its hard to live up to tht standards of my family. I'm sad because although i know that i'm not doing my best, i dont consider myself as a bad mother. I spend my time with her and she is my life. I just dont go around showing it to other people. i dont feel the need to prove myself on how much i love my daughter and its sad really that i have to..

I'm depressed. I really am and although i laugh and joke around and talk to people online, I dont want peole knowing how sad i really am. A friend told me "it happens to the best of us" I may not be the best mother that there is but i try to be.

My mom is very angry at me. i think its unfair that she complains when i dont spend my time with sofia but when i do, she always says out loud that "I'm Sofia's mom, you're just the yaya" and it hurts. it really does. I just dont make a big deal out of it..

I dont know what to do anymore. I try to meet up with my family's standards but i'm soooooo tired..

Friday, May 25, 2007

its starting to rain..

its 3:47pm and the sky is dark.. i sit here by the terrace while listening to Chris Daughtry's "Have u ever loved a woman". My perfect guy, CHris Daughtry. (hehehe)

Its starting to rain.. wow.. its so beautiful.. I wish i was back in batangas. whenever it would rain, i would sit in the beach and look at the rain hitting the water, not really thinking about anything, just kind of, seize the moment.,

someday, i wanna meet a guy who i can kiss on the rainiest day of the year.. kiss him under the rain and tell him how much i'm inlove with him..

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Confiucius says

Balance is the perfect state of still water. Let that be our model. It remains quiet within and is not disturbed on the surface.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Warped and Twisted

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted

So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted

Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted

On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted

Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted

Monday, May 7, 2007

The ugly duckling that never became a swan..

I am the type of girl who falls inlove very easily. Show me respect, humor and love, then you've got me. Here's the problem, I was never really beautiful enough..

LEAN: When I was 13 years old, I had my first crush, Lean. I met him in church. I really liked him but then one day he told me that he would never EVER like someone like me. Someone as ugly as me. I cried for days.. even weeks. Then I discovered that Lean has been flirting with my friend. Thankfully my friend was a great friend. She never gave Lean a chance because she knew what was happening between us.

PAULO: I dunno if i should call him my first boyfriend. I met him when I was 16. Yes, it took me 3 years to forget Lean. He was a friend of my older brother. We dated for about a month until I learned that I was a just a bet between him and his friends.

DAN: I met him when I was 20. Dan and I dated for a few months. Everything was going well and I thought for once I finally found myself a good guy.. well that was until I got pregnant. He began to ask for money. He even asked for P20,000 from me because he said that he needed to start a business.. I didnt have the money, nor my family would ever want to give him that kind of money. So he left me and went to another country.

CHRIS: This happened a few months ago. An american from Libis, I met him on myspace, then eventually talked to him to Yahoo Messenger. I admit, he was fun to talk to and he would always ask me out. After reading my past on guys, I would expect that you notice that I'm not the type of girl who would go on dates so I have no idea on how to act or what to say on a date. Well eventually, we did go out and it was going well.. Then the next thing I knew, I woke up beside him with no clothes on. I cant remember anything, I did remember having dinner and a few drinks but after that, I couldnt remember anything else... I guess it was the worst thing that happened to me when it comes to guys.

I dont feel sorry for myslef tho.. I treat it as my life's lessons. To never depend on a guy for my happiness.. and yes, i do have a daughter. her name is sofia and she is the love of my life. I dont think any guy would really like me if they knew that i have a daughter, nor would i care. I guess it has comed own to the point where in, I dont care if I have a boyfriend or not. I'm happy with the way things are going. I have more time for myself and time for my baby girl.