Friday, August 3, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
I talked to my friend Phil a while ago. and we talked about him. and Phil, being the crazy person that he is suggested that I ask for something expensive, like jewelry or something.. if u ask me, i certainly wont do it. and besides it would sound very weird coz he knows that my family is well-off and i dont want him to think im using him. so expensive gifts are a big no-no.
i really really have to buy a laptop.. tsk.. im thinking of selling my cellphone and some jewelry to be able to afford a second-hand one. or better yet, stop trying to prove myself to other people and just ask my dad for a new one.. oh wait.. dad just got in an accident.. i doubt that he'd be willing to buy me one lol 2 nights more and i get to talk to him regularly again.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
do i believe it when guys tell me how amazing i am? how beautiful i am? no. not because i have low self-esteem, but because everytime I look in the mirror, I wonder what they see in me to call me "amazing" or "beaautiful"..
Monday, July 30, 2007
I can’t take the silence, I can’t take the loneliness and somehow, its tearing me apart. Slowly eating up all my energy.. making me realize how sad my life has turned out. Yes.. I am indeed a sad person. Beneath the smart ass jokes, and the smiles I try to pass on to people, I don’t really understand why and how long I’ve mastered this silly charade of mine.. I never admit to my friends how dependent I’ve grown.. How I need them to keep my smile and how happy I am that they are there to keep me distracted.
I’m taking each day as a step to changing who I am.. Maybe in time, I can go back to how I was. The insensitive girl who doesn’t need anyone to make her happy, and who doesn’t need to be happy in order to live..
I admit. I have never been crazily happy and in love. My past relationships were based on the happiness of my partner. I can honestly say that I didn’t try to be happy with them because growing up, Ive realized that a relationship wasn’t based on the happiness of 2 people, but on how you make the other person feel important. I have stopped hoping to meet a guy who would do that to me a long time ago but now, it seems, I feel the need to feel important, the way I’ve made my past boyfriends feel. This feeling, however, I want to stop. I don’t feel proud of needing someone to make me feel important. I feel stupid, in a way that this feelings surfaced at the time wherein I feel there is no possibility for happiness…
Saturday, July 28, 2007
I'm gonna be leaving in an hour or so.. but i dont wanna :( i wanna stay here and sty online.. gawd.. why does everything have to be so complicated..
But if there's one thing that I would wish right now, its that, i wish he was true.. not like the guys that i meet.. on the net or just around.. guys who would lie just so they can get what they want.. but i'm hopeful..
Friday, July 27, 2007
its hard.. really.. having to deal with the responsibility. I wasnt ready to be a mom, I wasnt ready to have a child. Although, even having these thoughts and realizations, abortion never came into my mind.. The day I learned I was pregnant, I was nervous and happy. Nervous because of my family (my family is very conservative) and happy because I'm carrying my baby. Sadly, Sofia's dad didnt seem to share the same feeling. A week after he knew about the baby, he broke up with me. Yes, I was sad, for a time but then I got over it, the happiness of having a baby was too overwhelming to even think about the sad things..
It is hard. its hard and lonely.. Lonely because I dont have anyone to share the same happiness that I feel everytime Sofia does something for the first time. Sad, because I know she would be more happier if she had a normal family.
I dont feel any pity towards my daughter or myself.. but sometimes, the loneliness gets to me.. I want Sofia to have a normal childhoon but I dont think a guy in his right mind would ever want someone like me. A single mom who hasnt even finished college yet.. *sigh*
I want to say
I like it when u make me feel special
in every way
You're in my dreams
every night and day
i wake up with a smile
in bed, as i lay
isn't it strange
to be able to feel
so happy and nervous
and to think if its real
my hands are shaking
still smiling at you
seeing u smile
seem to make everything true
now i'm gonna rest
and lay in my bed
i'll be dreaming of u tonight
remembering everything that u'v said
*to the guy behind this crappy poem, u suck LOL u got me into posting something very dorky on my page. hehe u know who u are.. thanks for always making me smile :)*
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
This blog is not about trying to answer back the 2 blogs that I just read. Its more about my own opinion on the subject matter
I was browsin around in myspace (again lol) and I chanced upon 2 profile pages of 2 totally different guys that came here a few months back. How I felt about it, I dont really know. Well, sure its embarassing to live in a country that has people seeling their children as sex slaves but what can I say? This IS a third world country.. As sad as it may sound.. And I'm not saying people arent doing anything about it, coz they are.. well... as far as i know.. Its a sad fact that alot of filipinos would accept a job that pays below the minimum wage just to earn some money to get by every single day..
Another truth is about the upper class of this country. Rich people trying to get everything they can get their greedy hands on. Not thinking of who they hurt in the process..
Honestly, I shouldnt be the right person to really react about the prostitution here because I lived a very sheltered life. Growing up, I thought prostitution only exsisted in the movies.. It was later during my teenage years that I came to realize that there is indeed prostitution and that they were just around. I never even knew that there was kiddie porn here until I was invited for an audition.. gawd..
Its embarassing to have come to realize how low some people can get to try and hussle someone out of something. Foreigner or Local. This is not the first time that I have seen or heard of something like this and somehow, everything gets worse every single day. I have had a few friends here who are foreigners, whether itd be for business or just taking a vacation and it would always be the same.. The same type of people taking advantage of foreigners, vacationees etc.
So there no use in defending our part as filipinos if some of us are really aware of how the country is.. The only hope that some of us have is that, thses same people who's had some bad experience here would also come to realize that not all filipinos are husslers or prostitutes or greedy swanks, some of us are just.. ok.
People say alot of things just to get noticed. like post "kiss ass" comments. its really funny what alot of people can say and then hope to get answered back. its a bit frustrating when they dont answer back. isnt it? lol but geez... if the person doesnt answer back the first, second and third time, daaaaaaaaaaamn... dont u think its time to stop???? lol
People can really be funny sometimes.. Gawd.. I miss the old days when life was simple.. Oh wait.. I'm not that old. lol
Monday, July 16, 2007
I'm sooooo bored...
Ive got to finish this song by tom and my mind is soooo blank. lol
Oh well. been surfin the net for hours now.. I found this site that I can totally waste my time in. lol http://www.blogthings.com/ and its really cool. I got this one :D
lol how bored am i???? lol
THE KEYS TO MY HEART:
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is very low. You can resist desire and lust.
You think of marriage as something precious.
You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment.
Love only works when both people are totally devoted.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
i find it funny tho.. when we were together, he would always say that i was cheating.. but after we broke up, thanks to a couple of loyal friends, i found out the truth. that he was cheating. so yeah.. i hate cheaters.
and there's this guy who like, wanted to get back with me, but he has a gf. then when i agreed to get back with him, the next day he changes his mind. im like, what the hell was that?? lol it doesnt really matter.i mean, if he really wants to be withhis gf, its ok with me but duh.. why would u risk making a mistake by getting back with ur ex when u really want to "give this girl a chance"? or maybe him wanting to get back together was just to give his ego a boost. yeah.. i think he needed that. lol or maybe it was to get back at me for hurting him.. i dunno.. i dont know him anymore.. and i dont plan on getting back with him..
i dont want to go through the recycling bin. nope. recycling ex's is not my thing. lol
so anyway, im sooo bored.. maybe thats why im whining on my blog again.. not much to do.. not that many people online.. i wonder whats new in the real world.. lol thinking of partying tonight
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Ive been crushing on this guy for weeks (i think, for more than a month) now.. and when I say crush, i meant like, CRUSH! lol like a school girl-crush.. like when u like someone on tv, u like looking at them and just looking is enough..
After weeks and weeks and weeks of whining at his brother about how I wanna talk to him.. to get to know him... I finally had the courage to send him a message.
Omg! We're actually talking!!!
So this is how it feels.. Gawd.. I can't stop smiling!!
I really like him
Where does my story end? A few days after we started talking..
He got engaged.
*sigh* I'm happy for him, but at the same time.. i'm sad.. not really to the point wherein I would cry.. nah.. but more like, I wish I met him first. lol
But like I told him.. I'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.. Its funny.. I still ask myself, if I had met him first, or even just a few weeks earlier, would I have made a difference? Or would he still get engaged? nah.. I think he's too much inlove to have noticed me.. lol but its ok though.. he's a good friend. I wouldnt like it any other way
Saturday, July 7, 2007
why do i say these things? no. im not bitter. for those whom ive been talking to, here's a long explanation on why i really broke up with him.
Clyde's a cool friend. we were good friends for a time and i appreciated him. but when we decided to take our relationship to the next level, i realized that he IS a good friend but a waaaaaay sucky boyfriend LOL
he would be sweet one minute and be really rude the next. he would be soooo cool one min but be such a loser the next. he would rant at me because he was jealous then take it back a few minutes later, claiming he was just kidding.
i guess i just got fed up. it can be very tiring having to deal with drama every hour of everyday. gawd.. a part of me is sad coz it ended.. i mean, it wasnt all bad u know.. there were some fun memories but the other part of me is glad that it did. gawd.. the drama is killing me!!!
whats frustrating was that he would tell his friends that it was my fault. im not blaming anyone. i did whatever he wanted me to do. he would tell me that he was jealous when i talk to other guys, so i stopped. then he would say that he didnt tell me to stop but if u were me, with all the drama that comes with jealousy, would u not stop?
i hope u guys are getting my point.
well.. i dont really care about him anymore. he pissed me off this morning and im just.. tired of arguing about things that doesnt need to be talked about. he keps on blaming me for letting him go. duh.. for the first time since we were together, i was able to do what i wanted to do. so i let him go.
not my loss lol there are ALOT of guys out there who are waaay better than him and even more mature. so why would i settle for someone who gives me more drama than love?
is it my fault that it didnt work? no. i gave it my all. i dont have any regrets whatsoever. try asking him tho.. i doubt that he'll give u a straight answer.. LOL
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
So I finally met the guy that could be my "clyde".. He's everything that I imagined my "Clyde" can be.. but what do you do when one day you realize that you're just one of his girls? That what he does and tell you is exactly the things that he tells all of the girls that he meets?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
I've always been nice to people who are nice to me and I try my best to still be nice to a certain group of people even when they say rude things but how can you cope when a good friend of urs suddenly stop being ur friend without even explaining why? I know I should be angry at him and even tell him to shut the f up but we were good friends and there were times when he really helped me out when I had some pretty big problems.. I just wish he'd tell me why he suddenly changed. Gosh... And they say girls are the confusing ones.. lol
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Bes.. Why didnt you tell me that you came back here 2 months ago? Why didnt you tell me that you were back.. I missed you so much you know.. I missed spending time with you and riding on your car that smelled like your grandfathers cologne.. Why didnt you tell me that you were still sick? I wouldve understood.. Jam sent me a text message a while ago.. She said that you were gone.. Is that true? Bes.. Why didnt you wait for me..? I had so many things that I wanted to say.. things that I wanted to do.. You promised we'd do the paint ball thing once you come home.. It hurts that I wasnt there for you, that I wasnt able to hold your hand.. the way i used to when you had your chemotherapy here. Do u still remember?
I miss you Bes.. and you will always be a part of me.. I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye. I wont be at your funeral.. you know how much I hate going to funerals right? I dont wanna see u in a casket.. I wanna remember you as the cheerful guy who would never ever be embarassed by carrying my pink handbag.. or the guy who screamed the loudest when we would play.. I wanna remember you as my bestfriend. not some thin guy with a fake smile on a casket..
I hope you found your peace.. that you're n a happy place.. I hope that wherever you are, you wont have to worry about the people that u left behind, that you wouldnt be able to feel the pain that you felt when you were still alive.. I will miss you alot.. maybe more than I thought I would. Theres so many things that I wanted to say and do before you go but its too late.. the only thing I can do now is to pray that you be happy wherever you are.. I cried for you and now I'll smile.. not because I'm happy but because even though you're gone, you still left me the best memories a girl can have.. Thank you so much Joseph. Goodbye..
Sunday, June 10, 2007
So i just sat there, drinking myself to death. I was relieved when I saw one of my old friends come in. We started talking, then eventually, everyone else was talking to me again. My ex talked to me about some "unfinished business" between us.. It was very awkward.. I mean, I was a bit drunk so I wasnt very conversive and I didnt want to get back with him.. Attending the party made me remember the good times and came to a point wherein I almost got back with him but thankfully my friend was there to remind me the thousands of reasons why we broke up. I found it hard to say "no" because a part of me didnt want to hurt him but at the same time, I knew that I had to because if I did say yes then everything wouldnt have been the same.. It would be very hard for the both of us anyway.
Last night was fun and thankfully, i didnt wake up with a hangover. lol Everything about last night made me realize that it IS fun to have someone around. To have someone remind u that he loves u and gives u that warm feeling inside.. I miss having someone like that.. *sigh*
Saturday, June 9, 2007
A friend asked me the other day how it felt to meet up with a person whom I just met on the net. I mean, what am I suppose to say? Its ok i guess? well yeah.. it IS a bit okay. You get to be friends with a few people u met on the net, although i found it hard to keep up with the conversation expecially if it was one sided.. I mean, what can u say when the person ur talking to doesnt seem that interested in getting to know you right? especially if he seemed more interested in talking about himself.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
i thought i met him but he disappeared even before he got to know me. obviously his intentions werent true.. i'm hurt and i'm scarred. i hate him so much.. i hat him enough to say that i hope he'll never be happy..
i wish i wasnt so bitter.. i wish all these feelngs werent true.. i wish i could go back in time so that i would have avoided meeting him, avoided wanting him.. he has become a habit of mine, a habit that cant easily break.. i hate him and yet, i like him..
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
He doesnt have to be "gorgeous" or really "handsome" or fit or even tall. My perfect doesnt have to be a hopeless romantic. No. He's someone who's honest and sincere. He would never lie just to make me feel good. I want to look at his eyes and just feel the love that he's feeling..
But the thing is, there is no perfect guy. A guy would lie or cheat at least once in every relationship. My guy would but he would have the balls to be admit it.
I dont really expect that I would get to feel all of these the first time I would see/meet him.. I mean, that's ridiculous... A friend of mine once said that "love" isnt "automatic", it grows as you get to know the person more.. Its a day-to-say process..
*sigh* If ever there is such a guy... I hope I find him or he finds me.. and if he does.. then everything would be beautiful..
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
i cant even think ugh. i hate having hangovers. haha. why does drinking have to be so much fun while ur doing it but suffer a massive headache the next day..
so anyway, i def have no plans for the rest of the day. probably just sleep this off. i wish it would rain tho. its too hooooooooot!!!
Saturday, June 2, 2007
and now i'm back here.. i miss the beach.. *sigh*
oh... i miss *U* :)
Friday, June 1, 2007
well.. seems like guys are pretty much the same. nothing's changed. hahaha
its hard to find a guy thats sincere, loving and loyal. its like looking for a needle in a haystack.
how do u know if something real happens? or someone was just doing something just for the sake of getting what they want?
in this world, u dont know whats real anymore.. i guess i'm just lost in the whole world of love and dating but i knew enough to understand guys nature.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
I'm depressed. I really am and although i laugh and joke around and talk to people online, I dont want peole knowing how sad i really am. A friend told me "it happens to the best of us" I may not be the best mother that there is but i try to be.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Its starting to rain.. wow.. its so beautiful.. I wish i was back in batangas. whenever it would rain, i would sit in the beach and look at the rain hitting the water, not really thinking about anything, just kind of, seize the moment.,
someday, i wanna meet a guy who i can kiss on the rainiest day of the year.. kiss him under the rain and tell him how much i'm inlove with him..
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted
So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted
Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted
On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted
Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted
Monday, May 7, 2007
LEAN: When I was 13 years old, I had my first crush, Lean. I met him in church. I really liked him but then one day he told me that he would never EVER like someone like me. Someone as ugly as me. I cried for days.. even weeks. Then I discovered that Lean has been flirting with my friend. Thankfully my friend was a great friend. She never gave Lean a chance because she knew what was happening between us.
PAULO: I dunno if i should call him my first boyfriend. I met him when I was 16. Yes, it took me 3 years to forget Lean. He was a friend of my older brother. We dated for about a month until I learned that I was a just a bet between him and his friends.
DAN: I met him when I was 20. Dan and I dated for a few months. Everything was going well and I thought for once I finally found myself a good guy.. well that was until I got pregnant. He began to ask for money. He even asked for P20,000 from me because he said that he needed to start a business.. I didnt have the money, nor my family would ever want to give him that kind of money. So he left me and went to another country.
CHRIS: This happened a few months ago. An american from Libis, I met him on myspace, then eventually talked to him to Yahoo Messenger. I admit, he was fun to talk to and he would always ask me out. After reading my past on guys, I would expect that you notice that I'm not the type of girl who would go on dates so I have no idea on how to act or what to say on a date. Well eventually, we did go out and it was going well.. Then the next thing I knew, I woke up beside him with no clothes on. I cant remember anything, I did remember having dinner and a few drinks but after that, I couldnt remember anything else... I guess it was the worst thing that happened to me when it comes to guys.
I dont feel sorry for myslef tho.. I treat it as my life's lessons. To never depend on a guy for my happiness.. and yes, i do have a daughter. her name is sofia and she is the love of my life. I dont think any guy would really like me if they knew that i have a daughter, nor would i care. I guess it has comed own to the point where in, I dont care if I have a boyfriend or not. I'm happy with the way things are going. I have more time for myself and time for my baby girl.