Friday, August 3, 2007

Day 5

Do u believe in Women's intuition? hmmmmm.... I have to think about this.. think about this realy hard.. something tells me that somehow, something isnt right.. tsk tsk... what can it be...??

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Day 4

ok. so how do i explain this.. im starting to feel something but im not sure if its the right feeling. what i mean is.. I'm starting to fall.. and its scary coz its like what happened with Eric all over again. Maybe I need some reassurance that this one is true. that HE is true. what im waiting for, I'm not sure.. I just need him to prove it to me..

I talked to my friend Phil a while ago. and we talked about him. and Phil, being the crazy person that he is suggested that I ask for something expensive, like jewelry or something.. if u ask me, i certainly wont do it. and besides it would sound very weird coz he knows that my family is well-off and i dont want him to think im using him. so expensive gifts are a big no-no.

i really really have to buy a laptop.. tsk.. im thinking of selling my cellphone and some jewelry to be able to afford a second-hand one. or better yet, stop trying to prove myself to other people and just ask my dad for a new one.. oh wait.. dad just got in an accident.. i doubt that he'd be willing to buy me one lol 2 nights more and i get to talk to him regularly again.



Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Day 3

i was able to open my ym a while ago... no offline messages from him.. *sigh* I'm really sad.. I guess he's starting to forget about me. this sucks.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Day 2

we've only known each other for a few days and already we're talking about marriage... isnt that crazy??? lol well, honestly, I do like him a lot.. not that I would be crazy enough to tell him. well.. i guess this is just me.. I've learned a lot from what happened with Eric.. I mean, I was so inlove in a short period of time that I forgot who I was, or what I was doing. Yes, its crazy. but thats the point isnt it? Internet Relationships are just based on the fantasy of a person.. One thing that I've learned from Travis is that there is a life outside of the chatroom, that everytime you log out, you come back to the real world.

do i believe it when guys tell me how amazing i am? how beautiful i am? no. not because i have low self-esteem, but because everytime I look in the mirror, I wonder what they see in me to call me "amazing" or "beaautiful"..


Monday, July 30, 2007

Day 1

I’m not really sad that I’m here alone… I mean, I’m not really alone. I’ve got Sofia with me. It’s more like, I’m used to seeing or talking to a lot of people at this time so this is all new to me. I’m missing someone but I don’t know who. Being here, made me realize how sad I really am. I just finished putting Sofia to bed. While I was singing her to sleep, Singing “Moon River” I cried, for the reason that I don’t know why.. I guess I’m just sad to be alone… without anyone to share everyday with… I know I sound pathetic… and I hate the fact that I openly admitted to myself that I do need another person to complete my existence. I’ve always felt independent. Always felt that all I need is myself to live, that I don’t need someone to love me. I guess it’s the fact that I had a daughter at such an early age that I crave for someone to share every moment with.

I can’t take the silence, I can’t take the loneliness and somehow, its tearing me apart. Slowly eating up all my energy.. making me realize how sad my life has turned out. Yes.. I am indeed a sad person. Beneath the smart ass jokes, and the smiles I try to pass on to people, I don’t really understand why and how long I’ve mastered this silly charade of mine.. I never admit to my friends how dependent I’ve grown.. How I need them to keep my smile and how happy I am that they are there to keep me distracted.

I’m taking each day as a step to changing who I am.. Maybe in time, I can go back to how I was. The insensitive girl who doesn’t need anyone to make her happy, and who doesn’t need to be happy in order to live..

I admit. I have never been crazily happy and in love. My past relationships were based on the happiness of my partner. I can honestly say that I didn’t try to be happy with them because growing up, Ive realized that a relationship wasn’t based on the happiness of 2 people, but on how you make the other person feel important. I have stopped hoping to meet a guy who would do that to me a long time ago but now, it seems, I feel the need to feel important, the way I’ve made my past boyfriends feel. This feeling, however, I want to stop. I don’t feel proud of needing someone to make me feel important. I feel stupid, in a way that this feelings surfaced at the time wherein I feel there is no possibility for happiness…

Saturday, July 28, 2007

5 days

I'm not gonna be able to go online for 5 days... Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal.. but since I met this really great guy on the net just recently, I dont wanna take the chance of him forgetting about me or finding someone new.. :(

I'm gonna be leaving in an hour or so.. but i dont wanna :( i wanna stay here and sty online.. gawd.. why does everything have to be so complicated..

But if there's one thing that I would wish right now, its that, i wish he was true.. not like the guys that i meet.. on the net or just around.. guys who would lie just so they can get what they want.. but i'm hopeful..

Friday, July 27, 2007

The wonders of being a single mom

its hard.. really.. having to deal with the responsibility. I wasnt ready to be a mom, I wasnt ready to have a child. Although, even having these thoughts and realizations, abortion never came into my mind.. The day I learned I was pregnant, I was nervous and happy. Nervous because of my family (my family is very conservative) and happy because I'm carrying my baby. Sadly, Sofia's dad didnt seem to share the same feeling. A week after he knew about the baby, he broke up with me. Yes, I was sad, for a time but then I got over it, the happiness of having a baby was too overwhelming to even think about the sad things..

It is hard. its hard and lonely.. Lonely because I dont have anyone to share the same happiness that I feel everytime Sofia does something for the first time. Sad, because I know she would be more happier if she had a normal family.

I dont feel any pity towards my daughter or myself.. but sometimes, the loneliness gets to me.. I want Sofia to have a normal childhoon but I dont think a guy in his right mind would ever want someone like me. A single mom who hasnt even finished college yet.. *sigh*

My dorky poem

Before I go to bed
I want to say
I like it when u make me feel special
in every way

You're in my dreams
every night and day
i wake up with a smile
in bed, as i lay

isn't it strange
to be able to feel
so happy and nervous
and to think if its real

my hands are shaking
still smiling at you
seeing u smile
seem to make everything true

now i'm gonna rest
and lay in my bed
i'll be dreaming of u tonight
remembering everything that u'v said

*to the guy behind this crappy poem, u suck LOL u got me into posting something very dorky on my page. hehe u know who u are.. thanks for always making me smile :)*

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A blog about a blog

This blog is not about trying to answer back the 2 blogs that I just read. Its more about my own opinion on the subject matter

I was browsin around in myspace (again lol) and I chanced upon 2 profile pages of 2 totally different guys that came here a few months back. How I felt about it, I dont really know. Well, sure its embarassing to live in a country that has people seeling their children as sex slaves but what can I say? This IS a third world country.. As sad as it may sound.. And I'm not saying people arent doing anything about it, coz they are.. well... as far as i know.. Its a sad fact that alot of filipinos would accept a job that pays below the minimum wage just to earn some money to get by every single day..

Another truth is about the upper class of this country. Rich people trying to get everything they can get their greedy hands on. Not thinking of who they hurt in the process..
Honestly, I shouldnt be the right person to really react about the prostitution here because I lived a very sheltered life. Growing up, I thought prostitution only exsisted in the movies.. It was later during my teenage years that I came to realize that there is indeed prostitution and that they were just around. I never even knew that there was kiddie porn here until I was invited for an audition.. gawd..

Its embarassing to have come to realize how low some people can get to try and hussle someone out of something. Foreigner or Local. This is not the first time that I have seen or heard of something like this and somehow, everything gets worse every single day. I have had a few friends here who are foreigners, whether itd be for business or just taking a vacation and it would always be the same.. The same type of people taking advantage of foreigners, vacationees etc.

So there no use in defending our part as filipinos if some of us are really aware of how the country is.. The only hope that some of us have is that, thses same people who's had some bad experience here would also come to realize that not all filipinos are husslers or prostitutes or greedy swanks, some of us are just.. ok.

The things people say out of desperation... its pathetic..

so i've been looking through a bunch of friends profiles.. u know.. just browsin through myspace.. coz im really really bored. lol and when im bored, i tend to notice things that im not really suppose to even react about. lol so what?? this is me this week. lol if u dont like it, i have to simple words for you: BITE ME! haha

People say alot of things just to get noticed. like post "kiss ass" comments. its really funny what alot of people can say and then hope to get answered back. its a bit frustrating when they dont answer back. isnt it? lol but geez... if the person doesnt answer back the first, second and third time, daaaaaaaaaaamn... dont u think its time to stop???? lol

People can really be funny sometimes.. Gawd.. I miss the old days when life was simple.. Oh wait.. I'm not that old. lol

Bite Me!

I'm bored.

Mind is blank.

Got a song to finish.

Having a hard time breathing.

Eyes fixated at the guitar.

This is gonna be a long night.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Boredom kills

I'm sooooo bored...

Ive got to finish this song by tom and my mind is soooo blank. lol
Oh well. been surfin the net for hours now.. I found this site that I can totally waste my time in. lol and its really cool. I got this one :D

lol how bored am i???? lol


You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is very low. You can resist desire and lust.
You think of marriage as something precious.
You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment.
Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

i hate cheaters

i hate cheaters. just in general.. like, when ur in a relationship and ur guy doesnt stop flirting with other girls. yeah.. his status is "in a relationship" but does it really make a difference when he says the exact same things to other girls? damn.. it was like, "copy and paste" lol

i find it funny tho.. when we were together, he would always say that i was cheating.. but after we broke up, thanks to a couple of loyal friends, i found out the truth. that he was cheating. so yeah.. i hate cheaters.

and there's this guy who like, wanted to get back with me, but he has a gf. then when i agreed to get back with him, the next day he changes his mind. im like, what the hell was that?? lol it doesnt really matter.i mean, if he really wants to be withhis gf, its ok with me but duh.. why would u risk making a mistake by getting back with ur ex when u really want to "give this girl a chance"? or maybe him wanting to get back together was just to give his ego a boost. yeah.. i think he needed that. lol or maybe it was to get back at me for hurting him.. i dunno.. i dont know him anymore.. and i dont plan on getting back with him..

i dont want to go through the recycling bin. nope. recycling ex's is not my thing. lol

so anyway, im sooo bored.. maybe thats why im whining on my blog again.. not much to do.. not that many people online.. i wonder whats new in the real world.. lol thinking of partying tonight


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

the Randy Orton look-a-like

His smile caught my attention.

Ive been crushing on this guy for weeks (i think, for more than a month) now.. and when I say crush, i meant like, CRUSH! lol like a school girl-crush.. like when u like someone on tv, u like looking at them and just looking is enough..

After weeks and weeks and weeks of whining at his brother about how I wanna talk to him.. to get to know him... I finally had the courage to send him a message.

He replied!

Omg! We're actually talking!!!

So this is how it feels.. Gawd.. I can't stop smiling!!
I really like him

Where does my story end? A few days after we started talking..

He got engaged.

*sigh* I'm happy for him, but at the same time.. i'm sad.. not really to the point wherein I would cry.. nah.. but more like, I wish I met him first. lol

But like I told him.. I'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.. Its funny.. I still ask myself, if I had met him first, or even just a few weeks earlier, would I have made a difference? Or would he still get engaged? nah.. I think he's too much inlove to have noticed me.. lol but its ok though.. he's a good friend. I wouldnt like it any other way

Saturday, July 7, 2007

still immature

some of us are still immature but lately, i realized, even those who are waaaay older than me are waaaay more immature. take Clyde for example. Clyde doesnt know what he wants. he doesnt care if he hurts someone, or make someone cry. as long as he gets what he wants at that time. the guy who can never seem to make up his mind.

why do i say these things? no. im not bitter. for those whom ive been talking to, here's a long explanation on why i really broke up with him.

Clyde's a cool friend. we were good friends for a time and i appreciated him. but when we decided to take our relationship to the next level, i realized that he IS a good friend but a waaaaaay sucky boyfriend LOL

he would be sweet one minute and be really rude the next. he would be soooo cool one min but be such a loser the next. he would rant at me because he was jealous then take it back a few minutes later, claiming he was just kidding.

i guess i just got fed up. it can be very tiring having to deal with drama every hour of everyday. gawd.. a part of me is sad coz it ended.. i mean, it wasnt all bad u know.. there were some fun memories but the other part of me is glad that it did. gawd.. the drama is killing me!!!
whats frustrating was that he would tell his friends that it was my fault. im not blaming anyone. i did whatever he wanted me to do. he would tell me that he was jealous when i talk to other guys, so i stopped. then he would say that he didnt tell me to stop but if u were me, with all the drama that comes with jealousy, would u not stop?

i hope u guys are getting my point.

well.. i dont really care about him anymore. he pissed me off this morning and im just.. tired of arguing about things that doesnt need to be talked about. he keps on blaming me for letting him go. duh.. for the first time since we were together, i was able to do what i wanted to do. so i let him go.

not my loss lol there are ALOT of guys out there who are waaay better than him and even more mature. so why would i settle for someone who gives me more drama than love?
is it my fault that it didnt work? no. i gave it my all. i dont have any regrets whatsoever. try asking him tho.. i doubt that he'll give u a straight answer.. LOL

Saturday, June 30, 2007

My new tat!

stings a lil but i love it!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

how much is too much drama?

as much as i want to tell him how i really feel about things, i cant coz telling him how i feel about stuff causes too much drama. and he hates drama. so what should i do? should i be honest about how i feel about things? or should i not talk about it and pretend that i dont care?


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

taking the risk

"You're strange and you're beautiful.. you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see.. you turn every head but you dont see me..."

So I finally met the guy that could be my "clyde".. He's everything that I imagined my "Clyde" can be.. but what do you do when one day you realize that you're just one of his girls? That what he does and tell you is exactly the things that he tells all of the girls that he meets?

"Let me feel, I dont care if I break down.. Let me fall, even if I hit the ground..."
By now I would expect you to ask what I'm gonna be doing.. nothing i guess.. I promised myself that this time I wouldn't play it safe.. That I would take a risk. I would risk falling for this guy even if everything about him tells me that he's just gonna hurt me.

"I've been an expert at playing it safe and keep it cool but I swear, this is not who I meant to be. I refuse to let my life roll over me..."
So yeah.. I would def take the risk of liking this guy.. I was thinking of him a while ago, actually, he seems to be filling my head lately.. (hehe) and I remembered what Tom said,

"I know whats right, I got just one life. In a world that keeps on pushing me around but I'll stand my ground.."
So now I know what to do.. I've thought about this for quite sometime now.. I can't seem to stop thinking about him though.. He's funny, smart and witty. lol he's like, the perfect guy! well.. not really.. coz if he was perfect, he'd be living somewhere near. not like, a million miles away. LOL *sigh* feels so good and scary at the same time...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

and they say girls are confusing.. tsk.

I've been friends with this guy for a very long time and he's been a great friend.. He's 28 years old and he lives somewhere in New York i think.. so anyway, i was waiting for someone to get online and we started talking. When he asked me what I was doing, I told him the truth. That I was waiting for a guy to come online. Then for some reason, he starts to tell some rude jokes so I told him to stop because I wasnt in the mood for any jokes whatsoever. He did stop for a moment then asks me "wow. ur really horny for the guy huh?" then I told him "no. I'm not that type of girl" Then he answers me with this phrase:
"All girls are like that. and that includes YOU"

Then he stopped talking to me. I mean, wtf happened to him?? He used to be so nice to me. Gawd. I dunno if I'm angry or sad that we're not friends anymore. He totally ruined my whole afternoon..

I've always been nice to people who are nice to me and I try my best to still be nice to a certain group of people even when they say rude things but how can you cope when a good friend of urs suddenly stop being ur friend without even explaining why? I know I should be angry at him and even tell him to shut the f up but we were good friends and there were times when he really helped me out when I had some pretty big problems.. I just wish he'd tell me why he suddenly changed. Gosh... And they say girls are the confusing ones.. lol

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Goodbye old friend

Hey Bes! Remember when you used to pick me up at my house and we would go to Baywalk before going to school? It was so much fun but then we would always be late.. and everyone thought that we were having a "secret" relationship? It was so much fun wasnt it? To hear the rumors that was going around school. Haha! And remember the time that we were teasing your recent girlfriend, when we made her believe that it was more expensive to eat inside a restaurant all because we just wanted to smoke? I can still remember her reaction.. I miss the old days.. Life was much more simplier back when we were highschool.. We used to drive around and make fun of people, drink slurpees until we get brain-freeze, exchange funny stories and just laugh our asses off. You were the only one on my side when the bully on our school decided to fuck with me. You were the only one who stood up for me and believed that I can do whatever I want in my life. I was so sad that you werent able to go to our graduation coz u had to go to the US. I didnt feel special even when I received my awards.. I wanted you so much to be there. Remember the angel figurine that you gave me? I still have it you know.. and the name tags that we wore to that soiree party that you hated so much. Hehe..

Bes.. Why didnt you tell me that you came back here 2 months ago? Why didnt you tell me that you were back.. I missed you so much you know.. I missed spending time with you and riding on your car that smelled like your grandfathers cologne.. Why didnt you tell me that you were still sick? I wouldve understood.. Jam sent me a text message a while ago.. She said that you were gone.. Is that true? Bes.. Why didnt you wait for me..? I had so many things that I wanted to say.. things that I wanted to do.. You promised we'd do the paint ball thing once you come home.. It hurts that I wasnt there for you, that I wasnt able to hold your hand.. the way i used to when you had your chemotherapy here. Do u still remember?

I miss you Bes.. and you will always be a part of me.. I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye. I wont be at your funeral.. you know how much I hate going to funerals right? I dont wanna see u in a casket.. I wanna remember you as the cheerful guy who would never ever be embarassed by carrying my pink handbag.. or the guy who screamed the loudest when we would play.. I wanna remember you as my bestfriend. not some thin guy with a fake smile on a casket..

I hope you found your peace.. that you're n a happy place.. I hope that wherever you are, you wont have to worry about the people that u left behind, that you wouldnt be able to feel the pain that you felt when you were still alive.. I will miss you alot.. maybe more than I thought I would. Theres so many things that I wanted to say and do before you go but its too late.. the only thing I can do now is to pray that you be happy wherever you are.. I cried for you and now I'll smile.. not because I'm happy but because even though you're gone, you still left me the best memories a girl can have.. Thank you so much Joseph. Goodbye..

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Last night's party

Last night, my friend dragged me into going to my ex bf's bday party.. At first it was VERY awkward. omg.. No one was talking to me and I wanted to just go home.. but if i leave, my friend would also leave coz she didnt have a ride. So I decided to just stay put.

So i just sat there, drinking myself to death. I was relieved when I saw one of my old friends come in. We started talking, then eventually, everyone else was talking to me again. My ex talked to me about some "unfinished business" between us.. It was very awkward.. I mean, I was a bit drunk so I wasnt very conversive and I didnt want to get back with him.. Attending the party made me remember the good times and came to a point wherein I almost got back with him but thankfully my friend was there to remind me the thousands of reasons why we broke up. I found it hard to say "no" because a part of me didnt want to hurt him but at the same time, I knew that I had to because if I did say yes then everything wouldnt have been the same.. It would be very hard for the both of us anyway.

Last night was fun and thankfully, i didnt wake up with a hangover. lol Everything about last night made me realize that it IS fun to have someone around. To have someone remind u that he loves u and gives u that warm feeling inside.. I miss having someone like that.. *sigh*

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Meeting up with people

I've met up with about 4 people with whom I became friends here in myspace. Its ok i guess.. Not as exciting as i thought it would be tho.. I mean, out of those 4, I only found one interesting enough to go on a second date with. The rest were either flakey, extremely boring or very confusing. lol

A friend asked me the other day how it felt to meet up with a person whom I just met on the net. I mean, what am I suppose to say? Its ok i guess? well yeah.. it IS a bit okay. You get to be friends with a few people u met on the net, although i found it hard to keep up with the conversation expecially if it was one sided.. I mean, what can u say when the person ur talking to doesnt seem that interested in getting to know you right? especially if he seemed more interested in talking about himself.
Actually, i think its alright with me... Atleast the convo isnt that boring.. so i told my friend of mine, it was quite interesting to meet a few guys whom i met on the net. what's hard is finding a real guy amongst the guys who are willing to hook up with you.
just a thought.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Just like a broken guitar

just like a broken guitar, i'm always out of tune.. I try to be happy with that i have but it seems like i'm looking for something but i dont know what.. I'm looking for something that would complete me. the one reason for my exsistence... that someone who would make me want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face..

i thought i met him but he disappeared even before he got to know me. obviously his intentions werent true.. i'm hurt and i'm scarred. i hate him so much.. i hat him enough to say that i hope he'll never be happy..

i wish i wasnt so bitter.. i wish all these feelngs werent true.. i wish i could go back in time so that i would have avoided meeting him, avoided wanting him.. he has become a habit of mine, a habit that cant easily break.. i hate him and yet, i like him..

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Lips of an Angel

I'm not really looking for a guy nor are my standards very high but then, like any girl, there's the ONE guy that I would like to meet. That one guy that would make me want to wake up everyday with a smile on my face.. I want to meet a guy with the lips of an angel.. The guy who, by just saying my name would sound so sweet it could make me feel weak...

He doesnt have to be "gorgeous" or really "handsome" or fit or even tall. My perfect doesnt have to be a hopeless romantic. No. He's someone who's honest and sincere. He would never lie just to make me feel good. I want to look at his eyes and just feel the love that he's feeling..

But the thing is, there is no perfect guy. A guy would lie or cheat at least once in every relationship. My guy would but he would have the balls to be admit it.

I dont really expect that I would get to feel all of these the first time I would see/meet him.. I mean, that's ridiculous... A friend of mine once said that "love" isnt "automatic", it grows as you get to know the person more.. Its a day-to-say process..

*sigh* If ever there is such a guy... I hope I find him or he finds me.. and if he does.. then everything would be beautiful..

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Level 10 Hangover

omg.. my head freakin hurts. i hear everything!! the cars on the street, blowing their horns like there's no tomorrow, my friends grandmother shouting at someone for some reason, dogs barking outside.. everything is just too loud..

i cant even think ugh. i hate having hangovers. haha. why does drinking have to be so much fun while ur doing it but suffer a massive headache the next day..

so anyway, i def have no plans for the rest of the day. probably just sleep this off. i wish it would rain tho. its too hooooooooot!!!

Saturday, June 2, 2007

My perfect escape

I wasn't feeling good the other day so I dragged my friend and we went to the beach.. it was relaxing. made me forget my problems. although my vacation only lasted for 2 days because we had to go home.. I met up with a bunch of old friends while i was there and it was fun. My friend and i drove around for a while and got to talk about a lot of things.. I had to use the resort's owner-type jeep because i dont have a car and on the way home, we hit some traffic that lasted about and hour and a half. by the time we got back to the beach, there wasnt much time to go swimming coz we had to go home :(. i didnt even get to work on my tan *hehehe*

and now i'm back here.. i miss the beach.. *sigh*

oh... i miss *U* :)

Friday, June 1, 2007

Them Boys..

Back to dating.
well.. seems like guys are pretty much the same. nothing's changed. hahaha

its hard to find a guy thats sincere, loving and loyal. its like looking for a needle in a haystack.

how do u know if something real happens? or someone was just doing something just for the sake of getting what they want?

in this world, u dont know whats real anymore.. i guess i'm just lost in the whole world of love and dating but i knew enough to understand guys nature.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Prayers for rain

in this world...

wishing to be understood is like praying for rain

praying for rain in the middle of a desert...

Monday, May 28, 2007

I guess I am

Yesterday, Sofia fell of the bed while i was writing an email. Yes its my fault. I shouldve watched her more because i was beside her when it happened. but what hurts the most is that because of what happened, I was branded a bad mother. Its sad really.. its hard to live up to tht standards of my family. I'm sad because although i know that i'm not doing my best, i dont consider myself as a bad mother. I spend my time with her and she is my life. I just dont go around showing it to other people. i dont feel the need to prove myself on how much i love my daughter and its sad really that i have to..

I'm depressed. I really am and although i laugh and joke around and talk to people online, I dont want peole knowing how sad i really am. A friend told me "it happens to the best of us" I may not be the best mother that there is but i try to be.

My mom is very angry at me. i think its unfair that she complains when i dont spend my time with sofia but when i do, she always says out loud that "I'm Sofia's mom, you're just the yaya" and it hurts. it really does. I just dont make a big deal out of it..

I dont know what to do anymore. I try to meet up with my family's standards but i'm soooooo tired..

Friday, May 25, 2007

its starting to rain..

its 3:47pm and the sky is dark.. i sit here by the terrace while listening to Chris Daughtry's "Have u ever loved a woman". My perfect guy, CHris Daughtry. (hehehe)

Its starting to rain.. wow.. its so beautiful.. I wish i was back in batangas. whenever it would rain, i would sit in the beach and look at the rain hitting the water, not really thinking about anything, just kind of, seize the moment.,

someday, i wanna meet a guy who i can kiss on the rainiest day of the year.. kiss him under the rain and tell him how much i'm inlove with him..

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Confiucius says

Balance is the perfect state of still water. Let that be our model. It remains quiet within and is not disturbed on the surface.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Warped and Twisted

Harsh words & violent blows
Hidden secrets nobody knows
Eyes are open, hands are fisted
Deep inside I'm warped & twisted

So many tricks & so many lies
Too many whens & too many whys
Nobody's special, nobody's gifted
I'm just me, warped & twisted

Sleeping awake & choking on a dream
Listening loudly to a silent scream
Call my mind, the number's unlisted
Lost in someone so warped & twisted

On my knees, alive but dead
Look at the invisible blood I've bled
I'm not gone, my mind has drifted
Don't expect much, I'm warped & twisted

Burnt out, wasted, empty, & hollow
Today's just yesterday's tomorrow
The sun died out, the ashes sifted
I'm still here, warped & twisted

Monday, May 7, 2007

The ugly duckling that never became a swan..

I am the type of girl who falls inlove very easily. Show me respect, humor and love, then you've got me. Here's the problem, I was never really beautiful enough..

LEAN: When I was 13 years old, I had my first crush, Lean. I met him in church. I really liked him but then one day he told me that he would never EVER like someone like me. Someone as ugly as me. I cried for days.. even weeks. Then I discovered that Lean has been flirting with my friend. Thankfully my friend was a great friend. She never gave Lean a chance because she knew what was happening between us.

PAULO: I dunno if i should call him my first boyfriend. I met him when I was 16. Yes, it took me 3 years to forget Lean. He was a friend of my older brother. We dated for about a month until I learned that I was a just a bet between him and his friends.

DAN: I met him when I was 20. Dan and I dated for a few months. Everything was going well and I thought for once I finally found myself a good guy.. well that was until I got pregnant. He began to ask for money. He even asked for P20,000 from me because he said that he needed to start a business.. I didnt have the money, nor my family would ever want to give him that kind of money. So he left me and went to another country.

CHRIS: This happened a few months ago. An american from Libis, I met him on myspace, then eventually talked to him to Yahoo Messenger. I admit, he was fun to talk to and he would always ask me out. After reading my past on guys, I would expect that you notice that I'm not the type of girl who would go on dates so I have no idea on how to act or what to say on a date. Well eventually, we did go out and it was going well.. Then the next thing I knew, I woke up beside him with no clothes on. I cant remember anything, I did remember having dinner and a few drinks but after that, I couldnt remember anything else... I guess it was the worst thing that happened to me when it comes to guys.

I dont feel sorry for myslef tho.. I treat it as my life's lessons. To never depend on a guy for my happiness.. and yes, i do have a daughter. her name is sofia and she is the love of my life. I dont think any guy would really like me if they knew that i have a daughter, nor would i care. I guess it has comed own to the point where in, I dont care if I have a boyfriend or not. I'm happy with the way things are going. I have more time for myself and time for my baby girl.