Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Day 2

we've only known each other for a few days and already we're talking about marriage... isnt that crazy??? lol well, honestly, I do like him a lot.. not that I would be crazy enough to tell him. well.. i guess this is just me.. I've learned a lot from what happened with Eric.. I mean, I was so inlove in a short period of time that I forgot who I was, or what I was doing. Yes, its crazy. but thats the point isnt it? Internet Relationships are just based on the fantasy of a person.. One thing that I've learned from Travis is that there is a life outside of the chatroom, that everytime you log out, you come back to the real world.

do i believe it when guys tell me how amazing i am? how beautiful i am? no. not because i have low self-esteem, but because everytime I look in the mirror, I wonder what they see in me to call me "amazing" or "beaautiful"..


Monday, July 30, 2007

Day 1

I’m not really sad that I’m here alone… I mean, I’m not really alone. I’ve got Sofia with me. It’s more like, I’m used to seeing or talking to a lot of people at this time so this is all new to me. I’m missing someone but I don’t know who. Being here, made me realize how sad I really am. I just finished putting Sofia to bed. While I was singing her to sleep, Singing “Moon River” I cried, for the reason that I don’t know why.. I guess I’m just sad to be alone… without anyone to share everyday with… I know I sound pathetic… and I hate the fact that I openly admitted to myself that I do need another person to complete my existence. I’ve always felt independent. Always felt that all I need is myself to live, that I don’t need someone to love me. I guess it’s the fact that I had a daughter at such an early age that I crave for someone to share every moment with.

I can’t take the silence, I can’t take the loneliness and somehow, its tearing me apart. Slowly eating up all my energy.. making me realize how sad my life has turned out. Yes.. I am indeed a sad person. Beneath the smart ass jokes, and the smiles I try to pass on to people, I don’t really understand why and how long I’ve mastered this silly charade of mine.. I never admit to my friends how dependent I’ve grown.. How I need them to keep my smile and how happy I am that they are there to keep me distracted.

I’m taking each day as a step to changing who I am.. Maybe in time, I can go back to how I was. The insensitive girl who doesn’t need anyone to make her happy, and who doesn’t need to be happy in order to live..

I admit. I have never been crazily happy and in love. My past relationships were based on the happiness of my partner. I can honestly say that I didn’t try to be happy with them because growing up, Ive realized that a relationship wasn’t based on the happiness of 2 people, but on how you make the other person feel important. I have stopped hoping to meet a guy who would do that to me a long time ago but now, it seems, I feel the need to feel important, the way I’ve made my past boyfriends feel. This feeling, however, I want to stop. I don’t feel proud of needing someone to make me feel important. I feel stupid, in a way that this feelings surfaced at the time wherein I feel there is no possibility for happiness…

Saturday, July 28, 2007

5 days

I'm not gonna be able to go online for 5 days... Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal.. but since I met this really great guy on the net just recently, I dont wanna take the chance of him forgetting about me or finding someone new.. :(

I'm gonna be leaving in an hour or so.. but i dont wanna :( i wanna stay here and sty online.. gawd.. why does everything have to be so complicated..

But if there's one thing that I would wish right now, its that, i wish he was true.. not like the guys that i meet.. on the net or just around.. guys who would lie just so they can get what they want.. but i'm hopeful..

Friday, July 27, 2007

The wonders of being a single mom

its hard.. really.. having to deal with the responsibility. I wasnt ready to be a mom, I wasnt ready to have a child. Although, even having these thoughts and realizations, abortion never came into my mind.. The day I learned I was pregnant, I was nervous and happy. Nervous because of my family (my family is very conservative) and happy because I'm carrying my baby. Sadly, Sofia's dad didnt seem to share the same feeling. A week after he knew about the baby, he broke up with me. Yes, I was sad, for a time but then I got over it, the happiness of having a baby was too overwhelming to even think about the sad things..

It is hard. its hard and lonely.. Lonely because I dont have anyone to share the same happiness that I feel everytime Sofia does something for the first time. Sad, because I know she would be more happier if she had a normal family.

I dont feel any pity towards my daughter or myself.. but sometimes, the loneliness gets to me.. I want Sofia to have a normal childhoon but I dont think a guy in his right mind would ever want someone like me. A single mom who hasnt even finished college yet.. *sigh*

My dorky poem

Before I go to bed
I want to say
I like it when u make me feel special
in every way

You're in my dreams
every night and day
i wake up with a smile
in bed, as i lay

isn't it strange
to be able to feel
so happy and nervous
and to think if its real

my hands are shaking
still smiling at you
seeing u smile
seem to make everything true

now i'm gonna rest
and lay in my bed
i'll be dreaming of u tonight
remembering everything that u'v said

*to the guy behind this crappy poem, u suck LOL u got me into posting something very dorky on my page. hehe u know who u are.. thanks for always making me smile :)*

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

A blog about a blog

This blog is not about trying to answer back the 2 blogs that I just read. Its more about my own opinion on the subject matter

I was browsin around in myspace (again lol) and I chanced upon 2 profile pages of 2 totally different guys that came here a few months back. How I felt about it, I dont really know. Well, sure its embarassing to live in a country that has people seeling their children as sex slaves but what can I say? This IS a third world country.. As sad as it may sound.. And I'm not saying people arent doing anything about it, coz they are.. well... as far as i know.. Its a sad fact that alot of filipinos would accept a job that pays below the minimum wage just to earn some money to get by every single day..

Another truth is about the upper class of this country. Rich people trying to get everything they can get their greedy hands on. Not thinking of who they hurt in the process..
Honestly, I shouldnt be the right person to really react about the prostitution here because I lived a very sheltered life. Growing up, I thought prostitution only exsisted in the movies.. It was later during my teenage years that I came to realize that there is indeed prostitution and that they were just around. I never even knew that there was kiddie porn here until I was invited for an audition.. gawd..

Its embarassing to have come to realize how low some people can get to try and hussle someone out of something. Foreigner or Local. This is not the first time that I have seen or heard of something like this and somehow, everything gets worse every single day. I have had a few friends here who are foreigners, whether itd be for business or just taking a vacation and it would always be the same.. The same type of people taking advantage of foreigners, vacationees etc.

So there no use in defending our part as filipinos if some of us are really aware of how the country is.. The only hope that some of us have is that, thses same people who's had some bad experience here would also come to realize that not all filipinos are husslers or prostitutes or greedy swanks, some of us are just.. ok.

The things people say out of desperation... its pathetic..

so i've been looking through a bunch of friends profiles.. u know.. just browsin through myspace.. coz im really really bored. lol and when im bored, i tend to notice things that im not really suppose to even react about. lol so what?? this is me this week. lol if u dont like it, i have to simple words for you: BITE ME! haha

People say alot of things just to get noticed. like post "kiss ass" comments. its really funny what alot of people can say and then hope to get answered back. its a bit frustrating when they dont answer back. isnt it? lol but geez... if the person doesnt answer back the first, second and third time, daaaaaaaaaaamn... dont u think its time to stop???? lol

People can really be funny sometimes.. Gawd.. I miss the old days when life was simple.. Oh wait.. I'm not that old. lol

Bite Me!

I'm bored.

Mind is blank.

Got a song to finish.

Having a hard time breathing.

Eyes fixated at the guitar.

This is gonna be a long night.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Boredom kills

I'm sooooo bored...

Ive got to finish this song by tom and my mind is soooo blank. lol
Oh well. been surfin the net for hours now.. I found this site that I can totally waste my time in. lol http://www.blogthings.com/ and its really cool. I got this one :D

lol how bored am i???? lol


You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is very low. You can resist desire and lust.
You think of marriage as something precious.
You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.
In this moment, you think of love as commitment.
Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

i hate cheaters

i hate cheaters. just in general.. like, when ur in a relationship and ur guy doesnt stop flirting with other girls. yeah.. his status is "in a relationship" but does it really make a difference when he says the exact same things to other girls? damn.. it was like, "copy and paste" lol

i find it funny tho.. when we were together, he would always say that i was cheating.. but after we broke up, thanks to a couple of loyal friends, i found out the truth. that he was cheating. so yeah.. i hate cheaters.

and there's this guy who like, wanted to get back with me, but he has a gf. then when i agreed to get back with him, the next day he changes his mind. im like, what the hell was that?? lol it doesnt really matter.i mean, if he really wants to be withhis gf, its ok with me but duh.. why would u risk making a mistake by getting back with ur ex when u really want to "give this girl a chance"? or maybe him wanting to get back together was just to give his ego a boost. yeah.. i think he needed that. lol or maybe it was to get back at me for hurting him.. i dunno.. i dont know him anymore.. and i dont plan on getting back with him..

i dont want to go through the recycling bin. nope. recycling ex's is not my thing. lol

so anyway, im sooo bored.. maybe thats why im whining on my blog again.. not much to do.. not that many people online.. i wonder whats new in the real world.. lol thinking of partying tonight


Wednesday, July 11, 2007

the Randy Orton look-a-like

His smile caught my attention.

Ive been crushing on this guy for weeks (i think, for more than a month) now.. and when I say crush, i meant like, CRUSH! lol like a school girl-crush.. like when u like someone on tv, u like looking at them and just looking is enough..

After weeks and weeks and weeks of whining at his brother about how I wanna talk to him.. to get to know him... I finally had the courage to send him a message.

He replied!

Omg! We're actually talking!!!

So this is how it feels.. Gawd.. I can't stop smiling!!
I really like him

Where does my story end? A few days after we started talking..

He got engaged.

*sigh* I'm happy for him, but at the same time.. i'm sad.. not really to the point wherein I would cry.. nah.. but more like, I wish I met him first. lol

But like I told him.. I'd rather be his friend than nothing at all.. Its funny.. I still ask myself, if I had met him first, or even just a few weeks earlier, would I have made a difference? Or would he still get engaged? nah.. I think he's too much inlove to have noticed me.. lol but its ok though.. he's a good friend. I wouldnt like it any other way

Saturday, July 7, 2007

still immature

some of us are still immature but lately, i realized, even those who are waaaay older than me are waaaay more immature. take Clyde for example. Clyde doesnt know what he wants. he doesnt care if he hurts someone, or make someone cry. as long as he gets what he wants at that time. the guy who can never seem to make up his mind.

why do i say these things? no. im not bitter. for those whom ive been talking to, here's a long explanation on why i really broke up with him.

Clyde's a cool friend. we were good friends for a time and i appreciated him. but when we decided to take our relationship to the next level, i realized that he IS a good friend but a waaaaaay sucky boyfriend LOL

he would be sweet one minute and be really rude the next. he would be soooo cool one min but be such a loser the next. he would rant at me because he was jealous then take it back a few minutes later, claiming he was just kidding.

i guess i just got fed up. it can be very tiring having to deal with drama every hour of everyday. gawd.. a part of me is sad coz it ended.. i mean, it wasnt all bad u know.. there were some fun memories but the other part of me is glad that it did. gawd.. the drama is killing me!!!
whats frustrating was that he would tell his friends that it was my fault. im not blaming anyone. i did whatever he wanted me to do. he would tell me that he was jealous when i talk to other guys, so i stopped. then he would say that he didnt tell me to stop but if u were me, with all the drama that comes with jealousy, would u not stop?

i hope u guys are getting my point.

well.. i dont really care about him anymore. he pissed me off this morning and im just.. tired of arguing about things that doesnt need to be talked about. he keps on blaming me for letting him go. duh.. for the first time since we were together, i was able to do what i wanted to do. so i let him go.

not my loss lol there are ALOT of guys out there who are waaay better than him and even more mature. so why would i settle for someone who gives me more drama than love?
is it my fault that it didnt work? no. i gave it my all. i dont have any regrets whatsoever. try asking him tho.. i doubt that he'll give u a straight answer.. LOL