Friday, August 3, 2007

Day 5

Do u believe in Women's intuition? hmmmmm.... I have to think about this.. think about this realy hard.. something tells me that somehow, something isnt right.. tsk tsk... what can it be...??

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Day 4

ok. so how do i explain this.. im starting to feel something but im not sure if its the right feeling. what i mean is.. I'm starting to fall.. and its scary coz its like what happened with Eric all over again. Maybe I need some reassurance that this one is true. that HE is true. what im waiting for, I'm not sure.. I just need him to prove it to me..

I talked to my friend Phil a while ago. and we talked about him. and Phil, being the crazy person that he is suggested that I ask for something expensive, like jewelry or something.. if u ask me, i certainly wont do it. and besides it would sound very weird coz he knows that my family is well-off and i dont want him to think im using him. so expensive gifts are a big no-no.

i really really have to buy a laptop.. tsk.. im thinking of selling my cellphone and some jewelry to be able to afford a second-hand one. or better yet, stop trying to prove myself to other people and just ask my dad for a new one.. oh wait.. dad just got in an accident.. i doubt that he'd be willing to buy me one lol 2 nights more and i get to talk to him regularly again.



Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Day 3

i was able to open my ym a while ago... no offline messages from him.. *sigh* I'm really sad.. I guess he's starting to forget about me. this sucks.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Day 2

we've only known each other for a few days and already we're talking about marriage... isnt that crazy??? lol well, honestly, I do like him a lot.. not that I would be crazy enough to tell him. well.. i guess this is just me.. I've learned a lot from what happened with Eric.. I mean, I was so inlove in a short period of time that I forgot who I was, or what I was doing. Yes, its crazy. but thats the point isnt it? Internet Relationships are just based on the fantasy of a person.. One thing that I've learned from Travis is that there is a life outside of the chatroom, that everytime you log out, you come back to the real world.

do i believe it when guys tell me how amazing i am? how beautiful i am? no. not because i have low self-esteem, but because everytime I look in the mirror, I wonder what they see in me to call me "amazing" or "beaautiful"..


Monday, July 30, 2007

Day 1

I’m not really sad that I’m here alone… I mean, I’m not really alone. I’ve got Sofia with me. It’s more like, I’m used to seeing or talking to a lot of people at this time so this is all new to me. I’m missing someone but I don’t know who. Being here, made me realize how sad I really am. I just finished putting Sofia to bed. While I was singing her to sleep, Singing “Moon River” I cried, for the reason that I don’t know why.. I guess I’m just sad to be alone… without anyone to share everyday with… I know I sound pathetic… and I hate the fact that I openly admitted to myself that I do need another person to complete my existence. I’ve always felt independent. Always felt that all I need is myself to live, that I don’t need someone to love me. I guess it’s the fact that I had a daughter at such an early age that I crave for someone to share every moment with.

I can’t take the silence, I can’t take the loneliness and somehow, its tearing me apart. Slowly eating up all my energy.. making me realize how sad my life has turned out. Yes.. I am indeed a sad person. Beneath the smart ass jokes, and the smiles I try to pass on to people, I don’t really understand why and how long I’ve mastered this silly charade of mine.. I never admit to my friends how dependent I’ve grown.. How I need them to keep my smile and how happy I am that they are there to keep me distracted.

I’m taking each day as a step to changing who I am.. Maybe in time, I can go back to how I was. The insensitive girl who doesn’t need anyone to make her happy, and who doesn’t need to be happy in order to live..

I admit. I have never been crazily happy and in love. My past relationships were based on the happiness of my partner. I can honestly say that I didn’t try to be happy with them because growing up, Ive realized that a relationship wasn’t based on the happiness of 2 people, but on how you make the other person feel important. I have stopped hoping to meet a guy who would do that to me a long time ago but now, it seems, I feel the need to feel important, the way I’ve made my past boyfriends feel. This feeling, however, I want to stop. I don’t feel proud of needing someone to make me feel important. I feel stupid, in a way that this feelings surfaced at the time wherein I feel there is no possibility for happiness…

Saturday, July 28, 2007

5 days

I'm not gonna be able to go online for 5 days... Normally, that wouldn't be a big deal.. but since I met this really great guy on the net just recently, I dont wanna take the chance of him forgetting about me or finding someone new.. :(

I'm gonna be leaving in an hour or so.. but i dont wanna :( i wanna stay here and sty online.. gawd.. why does everything have to be so complicated..

But if there's one thing that I would wish right now, its that, i wish he was true.. not like the guys that i meet.. on the net or just around.. guys who would lie just so they can get what they want.. but i'm hopeful..

Friday, July 27, 2007

The wonders of being a single mom

its hard.. really.. having to deal with the responsibility. I wasnt ready to be a mom, I wasnt ready to have a child. Although, even having these thoughts and realizations, abortion never came into my mind.. The day I learned I was pregnant, I was nervous and happy. Nervous because of my family (my family is very conservative) and happy because I'm carrying my baby. Sadly, Sofia's dad didnt seem to share the same feeling. A week after he knew about the baby, he broke up with me. Yes, I was sad, for a time but then I got over it, the happiness of having a baby was too overwhelming to even think about the sad things..

It is hard. its hard and lonely.. Lonely because I dont have anyone to share the same happiness that I feel everytime Sofia does something for the first time. Sad, because I know she would be more happier if she had a normal family.

I dont feel any pity towards my daughter or myself.. but sometimes, the loneliness gets to me.. I want Sofia to have a normal childhoon but I dont think a guy in his right mind would ever want someone like me. A single mom who hasnt even finished college yet.. *sigh*