Monday, July 30, 2007

Day 1

I’m not really sad that I’m here alone… I mean, I’m not really alone. I’ve got Sofia with me. It’s more like, I’m used to seeing or talking to a lot of people at this time so this is all new to me. I’m missing someone but I don’t know who. Being here, made me realize how sad I really am. I just finished putting Sofia to bed. While I was singing her to sleep, Singing “Moon River” I cried, for the reason that I don’t know why.. I guess I’m just sad to be alone… without anyone to share everyday with… I know I sound pathetic… and I hate the fact that I openly admitted to myself that I do need another person to complete my existence. I’ve always felt independent. Always felt that all I need is myself to live, that I don’t need someone to love me. I guess it’s the fact that I had a daughter at such an early age that I crave for someone to share every moment with.

I can’t take the silence, I can’t take the loneliness and somehow, its tearing me apart. Slowly eating up all my energy.. making me realize how sad my life has turned out. Yes.. I am indeed a sad person. Beneath the smart ass jokes, and the smiles I try to pass on to people, I don’t really understand why and how long I’ve mastered this silly charade of mine.. I never admit to my friends how dependent I’ve grown.. How I need them to keep my smile and how happy I am that they are there to keep me distracted.

I’m taking each day as a step to changing who I am.. Maybe in time, I can go back to how I was. The insensitive girl who doesn’t need anyone to make her happy, and who doesn’t need to be happy in order to live..

I admit. I have never been crazily happy and in love. My past relationships were based on the happiness of my partner. I can honestly say that I didn’t try to be happy with them because growing up, Ive realized that a relationship wasn’t based on the happiness of 2 people, but on how you make the other person feel important. I have stopped hoping to meet a guy who would do that to me a long time ago but now, it seems, I feel the need to feel important, the way I’ve made my past boyfriends feel. This feeling, however, I want to stop. I don’t feel proud of needing someone to make me feel important. I feel stupid, in a way that this feelings surfaced at the time wherein I feel there is no possibility for happiness…

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