My new tat!

stings a lil but i love it!!!

how much is too much drama?

as much as i want to tell him how i really feel about things, i cant coz telling him how i feel about stuff causes too much drama. and he hates drama. so what should i do? should i be honest about how i feel about things? or should i not talk about it and pretend that i dont care?

*sigh*

taking the risk

"You're strange and you're beautiful.. you'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see.. you turn every head but you dont see me..."

So I finally met the guy that could be my "clyde".. He's everything that I imagined my "Clyde" can be.. but what do you do when one day you realize that you're just one of his girls? That what he does and tell you is exactly the things that he tells all of the girls that he meets?

"Let me feel, I dont care if I break down.. Let me fall, even if I hit the ground..."

By now I would expect you to ask what I'm gonna be doing.. nothing i guess.. I promised myself that this time I wouldn't play it safe.. That I would take a risk. I would risk falling for this guy even if everything about him tells me that he's just gonna hurt me.

"I've been an expert at playing it safe and keep it cool but I swear, this is not who I meant to be. I refuse to let my life roll over me..."

So yeah.. I would def take the risk of liking this guy.. I was thinking of him a while ago, actually, he seems to be filling my head lately.. (hehe) and I remembered what Tom said,

"I know whats right, I got just one life. In a world that keeps on pushing me around but I'll stand my ground.."

So now I know what to do.. I've thought about this for quite sometime now.. I can't seem to stop thinking about him though.. He's funny, smart and witty. lol he's like, the perfect guy! well.. not really.. coz if he was perfect, he'd be living somewhere near. not like, a million miles away. LOL *sigh* feels so good and scary at the same time...

and they say girls are confusing.. tsk.

I've been friends with this guy for a very long time and he's been a great friend.. He's 28 years old and he lives somewhere in New York i think.. so anyway, i was waiting for someone to get online and we started talking. When he asked me what I was doing, I told him the truth. That I was waiting for a guy to come online. Then for some reason, he starts to tell some rude jokes so I told him to stop because I wasnt in the mood for any jokes whatsoever. He did stop for a moment then asks me "wow. ur really horny for the guy huh?" then I told him "no. I'm not that type of girl" Then he answers me with this phrase:

"All girls are like that. and that includes YOU"

Then he stopped talking to me. I mean, wtf happened to him?? He used to be so nice to me. Gawd. I dunno if I'm angry or sad that we're not friends anymore. He totally ruined my whole afternoon..

I've always been nice to people who are nice to me and I try my best to still be nice to a certain group of people even when they say rude things but how can you cope when a good friend of urs suddenly stop being ur friend without even explaining why? I know I should be angry at him and even tell him to shut the f up but we were good friends and there were times when he really helped me out when I had some pretty big problems.. I just wish he'd tell me why he suddenly changed. Gosh... And they say girls are the confusing ones.. lol

Goodbye old friend

Hey Bes! Remember when you used to pick me up at my house and we would go to Baywalk before going to school? It was so much fun but then we would always be late.. and everyone thought that we were having a "secret" relationship? It was so much fun wasnt it? To hear the rumors that was going around school. Haha! And remember the time that we were teasing your recent girlfriend, when we made her believe that it was more expensive to eat inside a restaurant all because we just wanted to smoke? I can still remember her reaction.. I miss the old days.. Life was much more simplier back when we were highschool.. We used to drive around and make fun of people, drink slurpees until we get brain-freeze, exchange funny stories and just laugh our asses off. You were the only one on my side when the bully on our school decided to fuck with me. You were the only one who stood up for me and believed that I can do whatever I want in my life. I was so sad that you werent able to go to our graduation coz u had to go to the US. I didnt feel special even when I received my awards.. I wanted you so much to be there. Remember the angel figurine that you gave me? I still have it you know.. and the name tags that we wore to that soiree party that you hated so much. Hehe..

Bes.. Why didnt you tell me that you came back here 2 months ago? Why didnt you tell me that you were back.. I missed you so much you know.. I missed spending time with you and riding on your car that smelled like your grandfathers cologne.. Why didnt you tell me that you were still sick? I wouldve understood.. Jam sent me a text message a while ago.. She said that you were gone.. Is that true? Bes.. Why didnt you wait for me..? I had so many things that I wanted to say.. things that I wanted to do.. You promised we'd do the paint ball thing once you come home.. It hurts that I wasnt there for you, that I wasnt able to hold your hand.. the way i used to when you had your chemotherapy here. Do u still remember?

I miss you Bes.. and you will always be a part of me.. I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye. I wont be at your funeral.. you know how much I hate going to funerals right? I dont wanna see u in a casket.. I wanna remember you as the cheerful guy who would never ever be embarassed by carrying my pink handbag.. or the guy who screamed the loudest when we would play.. I wanna remember you as my bestfriend. not some thin guy with a fake smile on a casket..

I hope you found your peace.. that you're n a happy place.. I hope that wherever you are, you wont have to worry about the people that u left behind, that you wouldnt be able to feel the pain that you felt when you were still alive.. I will miss you alot.. maybe more than I thought I would. Theres so many things that I wanted to say and do before you go but its too late.. the only thing I can do now is to pray that you be happy wherever you are.. I cried for you and now I'll smile.. not because I'm happy but because even though you're gone, you still left me the best memories a girl can have.. Thank you so much Joseph. Goodbye..

Last night's party

Last night, my friend dragged me into going to my ex bf's bday party.. At first it was VERY awkward. omg.. No one was talking to me and I wanted to just go home.. but if i leave, my friend would also leave coz she didnt have a ride. So I decided to just stay put.

So i just sat there, drinking myself to death. I was relieved when I saw one of my old friends come in. We started talking, then eventually, everyone else was talking to me again. My ex talked to me about some "unfinished business" between us.. It was very awkward.. I mean, I was a bit drunk so I wasnt very conversive and I didnt want to get back with him.. Attending the party made me remember the good times and came to a point wherein I almost got back with him but thankfully my friend was there to remind me the thousands of reasons why we broke up. I found it hard to say "no" because a part of me didnt want to hurt him but at the same time, I knew that I had to because if I did say yes then everything wouldnt have been the same.. It would be very hard for the both of us anyway.

Last night was fun and thankfully, i didnt wake up with a hangover. lol Everything about last night made me realize that it IS fun to have someone around. To have someone remind u that he loves u and gives u that warm feeling inside.. I miss having someone like that.. *sigh*

Meeting up with people

I've met up with about 4 people with whom I became friends here in myspace. Its ok i guess.. Not as exciting as i thought it would be tho.. I mean, out of those 4, I only found one interesting enough to go on a second date with. The rest were either flakey, extremely boring or very confusing. lol

A friend asked me the other day how it felt to meet up with a person whom I just met on the net. I mean, what am I suppose to say? Its ok i guess? well yeah.. it IS a bit okay. You get to be friends with a few people u met on the net, although i found it hard to keep up with the conversation expecially if it was one sided.. I mean, what can u say when the person ur talking to doesnt seem that interested in getting to know you right? especially if he seemed more interested in talking about himself.

Actually, i think its alright with me... Atleast the convo isnt that boring.. so i told my friend of mine, it was quite interesting to meet a few guys whom i met on the net. what's hard is finding a real guy amongst the guys who are willing to hook up with you.

just a thought.

Just like a broken guitar

just like a broken guitar, i'm always out of tune.. I try to be happy with that i have but it seems like i'm looking for something but i dont know what.. I'm looking for something that would complete me. the one reason for my exsistence... that someone who would make me want to wake up every morning with a smile on my face..

i thought i met him but he disappeared even before he got to know me. obviously his intentions werent true.. i'm hurt and i'm scarred. i hate him so much.. i hat him enough to say that i hope he'll never be happy..

i wish i wasnt so bitter.. i wish all these feelngs werent true.. i wish i could go back in time so that i would have avoided meeting him, avoided wanting him.. he has become a habit of mine, a habit that cant easily break.. i hate him and yet, i like him..

Lips of an Angel

I'm not really looking for a guy nor are my standards very high but then, like any girl, there's the ONE guy that I would like to meet. That one guy that would make me want to wake up everyday with a smile on my face.. I want to meet a guy with the lips of an angel.. The guy who, by just saying my name would sound so sweet it could make me feel weak...

He doesnt have to be "gorgeous" or really "handsome" or fit or even tall. My perfect doesnt have to be a hopeless romantic. No. He's someone who's honest and sincere. He would never lie just to make me feel good. I want to look at his eyes and just feel the love that he's feeling..

But the thing is, there is no perfect guy. A guy would lie or cheat at least once in every relationship. My guy would but he would have the balls to be admit it.

I dont really expect that I would get to feel all of these the first time I would see/meet him.. I mean, that's ridiculous... A friend of mine once said that "love" isnt "automatic", it grows as you get to know the person more.. Its a day-to-say process..

*sigh* If ever there is such a guy... I hope I find him or he finds me.. and if he does.. then everything would be beautiful..

Level 10 Hangover

omg.. my head freakin hurts. i hear everything!! the cars on the street, blowing their horns like there's no tomorrow, my friends grandmother shouting at someone for some reason, dogs barking outside.. everything is just too loud..

i cant even think ugh. i hate having hangovers. haha. why does drinking have to be so much fun while ur doing it but suffer a massive headache the next day..

so anyway, i def have no plans for the rest of the day. probably just sleep this off. i wish it would rain tho. its too hooooooooot!!!

My perfect escape

I wasn't feeling good the other day so I dragged my friend and we went to the beach.. it was relaxing. made me forget my problems. although my vacation only lasted for 2 days because we had to go home.. I met up with a bunch of old friends while i was there and it was fun. My friend and i drove around for a while and got to talk about a lot of things.. I had to use the resort's owner-type jeep because i dont have a car and on the way home, we hit some traffic that lasted about and hour and a half. by the time we got back to the beach, there wasnt much time to go swimming coz we had to go home :(. i didnt even get to work on my tan *hehehe*

and now i'm back here.. i miss the beach.. *sigh*

oh... i miss *U* :)

Them Boys..

Back to dating.
well.. seems like guys are pretty much the same. nothing's changed. hahaha

its hard to find a guy thats sincere, loving and loyal. its like looking for a needle in a haystack.

how do u know if something real happens? or someone was just doing something just for the sake of getting what they want?

in this world, u dont know whats real anymore.. i guess i'm just lost in the whole world of love and dating but i knew enough to understand guys nature.